Forgiveness in Marriage

This week in my marriage class, we talked about forgiveness. It is easy to become angry for one reason or another, but to forgive is sometimes hard, too. Elder James E. Faust said: “If we can find forgiveness in our heart for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.” I believe that to be true. One time many years ago, I was offended by a member in our ward and I harbored those feelings for ten years. Finally, one day, I decided that I would confront the person that I was angry at and guess what? This person didn’t even remember what was said, all those years ago. I was the one that was suffering. I told this person how I had been harboring feelings for her for a lot of years. She apologized, and I accepted her apology. After this incident, I felt like a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Husbands and wives need to respect each other when conflict arises. Too often couples will try to persuade the other to their way of thinking just to settle the disagreement. What I have found in my marriage is to listen to my husband’s point of view and then, let him hear mine. I used to go along with what he was saying so there wouldn’t be any arguments. But, I learned I need to let him know how I am feeling, too. “In happy marriages, couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. In unhappy ones, even the most eloquent repair attempt can fall on deaf ears.” (Gottman, p. 174) “In an intimate loving relationship, it just doesn’t work for either spouse to get things their own way, even if you are convinced that you are right.” (Gottman, p.184)

“Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. “We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?” (“The New Obscenity,” Reader’s Digest, Dec. 1988, 24)

We need to follow the Savior’s example and establish love and peace in our marriages. We must make sacrifices for each other, giving our all. I have a great example and that was my own parents. Yes, they had their conflicts, but my dad always apologized when he upset my mother and vice versa. They were married for 65 years when my dad passed away. My mother’s heart was broken, and she couldn’t live without him. She passed away two years after he did. As I have reflected on their marriage, I know my marriage isn’t like that. I need to find more positives in my married life. “Happy marriage partners throw open the doors of the storehouse and give kindness, help, and goodness.” (Goddard, p.107) I am aiming for this.

Overcoming Gridlock in Marriage

I focused on gridlock and how this class has helped me learn how to overcome gridlock in relationships. In the reading from Gottman he says, “You’ll know you’ve reached a gridlock if: 1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out---giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.’ (Gottman, 236-237)

 Gridlock happens in every relationship at least once. No two people are going to agree on the same thing every day that just doesn’t happen. Relationships take work and sacrifice. When gridlock happens the best you can do is try to remain calm when you’re in the heat of a moment.

I remember a time when I was sick and tired of picking up after my husband and I told him so. He snapped right back at me and said, “You are worse than I am.” So instead of talking about it, we just ignored one another. After a while, I asked him if we could talk about our situation and change our attitudes and think of ways we could help each other.

Some ways to unlock the gridlock in your marriage are:  “Become a dream detector.

                                                   Work on gridlocked marital issues.

                                                    Soothe each other.

                                                    End the gridlock.

“Be patient with the process and each other. By their very nature, these problems are tenacious. To loosen their grip on your marriage will take commitment and faith on both your parts.” (Gotman, 259)

“John Gottman has made interesting discoveries about that 20% that we don’t like. He as discovered that approximately 70% of what we don’t like will never change. We can feel mad about this. We can feel cheated. But heaven seems to have constructed that percentage and it is not likely to change. The only way to get partners to change that 30% is by enjoying them the way they are!”  (Goddard, 126-27)  We need to look for the good in our spouses and appreciate it. We can love them with all of our hearts and  “on that holy day our knees will humbly bow and our tongues gladly confess that Jesus is the Christ---the one who save our souls, changes our hearts, and rescues our relationships.” (Goddard, 149)

This book helped me a lot as I focused my relationships more on the gospel. This book taught so many great principles and I have noticed and increase in my relationships. You can apply these principles to any relationship family, spouse, friends anyone.

References

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap.

Gottman, J.M., Silver N. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Marriage and Forgiveness

This week in my marriage class, we talked about forgiveness. It is easy to become angry for one reason or another, but to forgive is sometimes hard, too. Elder James E. Faust said: “If we can find forgiveness in our heart for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.” I believe that to be true. One time many years ago, I was offended by a member in our ward and I harbored those feelings for ten years. Finally, one day, I decided that I would confront the person that I was angry at and guess what? This person didn’t even remember what was said, all those years ago. I was the one that was suffering. I told this person how I had been harboring feelings for her for a lot of years. She apologized, and I accepted her apology. After this incident, I felt like a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Husbands and wives need to respect each other when conflict arises. Too often couples will try to persuade the other to their way of thinking just to settle the disagreement. What I have found in my marriage is to listen to my husband’s point of view and then, let him hear mine. I used to go along with what he was saying so there wouldn’t be any arguments. But, I learned I need to let him know how I am feeling, too. “In happy marriages, couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. In unhappy ones, even the most eloquent repair attempt can fall on deaf ears.” (Gottman, p. 174) “In an intimate loving relationship, it just doesn’t work for either spouse to get things their own way, even if you are convinced that you are right.” (Gottman, p.184)

“Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. “We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?” (“The New Obscenity,” Reader’s Digest, Dec. 1988, 24)

We need to follow the Savior’s example and establish love and peace in our marriages. We must make sacrifices for each other, giving our all. I have a great example and that was my own parents. Yes, they had their conflicts, but my dad always apologized when he upset my mother and vice versa. They were married for 65 years when my dad passed away. My mother’s heart was broken, and she couldn’t live without him. She passed away two years after he did. As I have reflected on their marriage, I know my marriage isn’t like that. I need to find more positives in my married life. “Happy marriage partners throw open the doors of the storehouse and give kindness, help, and goodness.” (Goddard, p.107) I am aiming for this.

Goddard, H. Wallace, PhD (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.

Gottman, John M., PhD (1999). the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Faust, James E., (2012). Finding Peace Through Forgiveness. Ensign, June 2012.

Appreciating Our Spouses

Appreciating our spouses in our marriages is more powerful than correcting them. “Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel. Criticism is a slow leak in those tires” (Goddard, 2009). As a husband honors his wife, her opinions and feelings, he will be able to earn a place in the driver’s seat of his marriage. It takes two to make or break a marriage. Both wives and husbands need to treat each other with honor and respect. “Today’s culture teaches a very different lesson from traditional wisdom: We now hear it is noble and worthy to focus on our own needs. It is our first obligation” (Goddard, 2009). This has to do with pride. Pride lets us think that “we honestly believe that we understand our partners/spouses and what makes them tick. We presume to understand their thoughts, motives, and intent better than even they themselves do” (Goddard, 2009). “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. (Benson, 1989) Pride is a sin and it is universal. The way to give up our self-sufficiency is to turn ourselves to God and repent. Marriages may become unbearable to the point that couples may want to leave, but as we repent, we can repair. “Any time we become irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. Irritation can be our friend. It alerts us to the risk of blisters when we sense a pebble in our shoes. In marriage, irritation serves the vital function of alerting us that something we are doing (or feeling or saying) is creating a sore.” (Goddard, 2009)

John M. Gottman says, “men who allow their wives to influence them have happier relationships and are less likely to divorce. When a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” If negativity becomes a part of the relationship, the pebbles that are in our shoes, causing blisters, will begin to bleed. We do not have to let the irritations accumulate and form ruthless gangs that will savage our love for each other.”

Benson, Ezra T., Beware of Pride, Ensign May 1989.

Goddard, H. Wallace, PhD., Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. 2009

Gottman, John M., PhD., the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. 1999.

Turning Toward Your Spouse/Partner

Turning to your spouse/partner is called connecting. Couples that do this are connecting to one another. Hollywood has distorted our view of romance as to be a fiery romance, but in real life, romance is fueled by more than what the movie screen portrays. Marriage is kept alive through the everyday challenges that we all have. “In marriage, couples are always making what Gottman, a marriage therapist, calls, “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill.” (Gottman, 1999) I have experienced this kind of “bid” in my own life. My aged mother had fallen and had to be hospitalized. My husband told me, “Do what you need to do to take care of your father. We can rearrange our budget, so you can fly out and take care of your dad. I can manage the house, keep the dishes washed, do the laundry, vacuum occasionally, and dust. You won't need to worry about John. I will take care of him, packing his lunches, make sure he showers, shaves and I will make sure he wears his c-pap mask, every night. My father was in the early stages of dementia and my mother was his caregiver. He could not be alone. I had to fly out to Utah from Pennsylvania to be with my father until my mother was able to come home. This bid proved to be an emotional connection and trust to my husband. “A virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish. It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another.” (Gottman, 1999) But there are challenges that can interfere with partners’ turning toward each other and one of those is being distracted by the wired world. For someone that is constantly checking their emails, Facebook page and texting on their iPhone can lead to an addiction. We had better watch out, so our devices don’t interfere with a marital conflict. “Instead of leaving the room or changing the subject when a delicate situation arises, he or she may just shift attention when a marital situation arises and go get on the internet (Gottman, 1999)

When we have an eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different. Satan wants us to believe that we cannot turn towards each other. He wants us to judge each other negatively to rude out marriages. Instead of judging our husband/wife, we will invite Jesus Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness” (Goddard, 2009). We can receive greater closeness to each other through peacefulness, when we offer “persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned” (D&C 121:41)

Gottman, John M., Ph.D, (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D, (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.