Nurturing Marriage

“Love is the motivating principle by which the Lord leads us along the way towards becoming like Him, our perfect example.” (Eyring, 2009) “Since marriage is God’s finishing school, we should expect more afflictions or challenges in marriage than in any arena of life.” (Goddard, 2009) I would like to ask the questions, or should we expect more challenges in our marriages? How well do we know each other? In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he affirms that the more we know about our spouses the better our marriages will be. It makes sense that if you don’t know much about the person you live with, there’s not much to hold onto when times get tough, whereas, if you know your spouse’s likes, dislikes, their achievements and what they are struggling with or needing help with, there will be more connection within your marriage. Gottman lists several activities and questionnaires that will help nurture your fondness and admiration for each other. These activities are called love maps. “The process entails asking open-ended questions, and then remembering the answers. An open-ended question is one that can be answered with a quick “yes” or “no” (Gottman, 1999). In doing several of these exercises from these chapters, I have found ways that I could improve my relationship with my spouse. “Most of us want the prize without paying the price. We want to have a close, loving marriage, but are not willing to give up our pet affections. But God has required us to make sacrifices if we are to enjoy that which is most valuable.” (Goddard, 2009)

Our first parents, Adam and Eve, learned to cleave to each other. Heavenly Father told them that they were to “live and bear children in the sorrow, sweat, and thorns of mortality---not as some kind of punishment for disobedience but so that through sometimes bitter experience, they could come to really understand life and meaning and joy.” (Hafen, 1996)

We need to find the good in our spouses. We can’t expect perfection in him/her. “Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate any marriage.: (Christensen, 2000)

As we bring faith and sacrifice to our marriages, we will be showing the Lord that we are willing to do whatever it takes to have a happy marriage.

Gottman, John M., Ph.D, (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D, (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.

Eyring, Henry B., (2009). Ensign, November 2009,

Hafen, Bruce C., (1996). Covenant Hearts.

Christensen, Joe J.,(2000), Marriage and Family Relations Participant’s Study Guide, Lesson 5, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

A Heavenly Marriage

Transcript_ Elder Joseph Wirthlin 2007 General ... (172.12 KB)

What can we do to have a happy marriage? “When we understand God’s purposes for marriage, we are more likely to feel blessed by it. Enduring and having a soul-filling happiness in marriage is found by actively living the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.” (Goddard, 2007) But, those who are actively living the principles of the gospel, can have marital upsets. We are all human, but we need to learn to give and take and talk about what is upsetting us. In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman, Ph.D., tells us about what kinds of things can drag a marriage down. He calls them, The Four Horsemen. He says, “Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.” The first one, criticism, expresses negative feelings about the spouse’s character. The second one, contempt, is a form of disrespect and can include sarcasm. I dislike sarcasm and if I hear it, I just leave the room. The third one is being defensive. This “horsemen’ just escalates the conflict and can be very deadly in a marriage. The last one is stonewalling. This is where the spouse will tune out. According to Dr. Gottman, this behavior is more common in men, than women. How can we avoid these conflicts? “Jesus Christ is our model, we can respond to conflicts by asking our spouses/partners to join us in solving the problem.” (Goddard, 2007) Our journey in life will have obstacles, just as in the story of the Good Samaritan. The traveler “fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead. And by chance there came a certain Samaritan and when he saw him, he had compassion on him.” Oh, how I love this part. “many of us find it easier to minister to the stranger than we do to our own family (our spouses).” (Goddard, 2007) From Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, “a story was told about an elderly man and woman who had been married for many decades. Because the wife was slowly losing her sight, she could no longer take care of herself the way she had done for so many years. Without being asked, the husband began to paint her fingernails for her. “He knew that she could see her fingernails when she held them close to her eyes, at just the right angle, and they made her smile. He liked to see her happy, so he kept painting her nails for more than five years before she passed away.” That is an example of the pure love of Christ. Sometimes the greatest love is not found in the dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often, the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring we extend to those we meet along the path of life. True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us. We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it.” This is how marriage should be, to be kind and respectful of each other. If differences arise, we need to work them out with love for the other person. This is what I desire for my marriage. Gottman, John M. Ph.D. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Goddard, Wallace H. Ph.D. (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.

Covenant Marriage Requires Total Commitment

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/topics/marriage-and-family?lang=eng

What is the LDS perspective of the covenant of marriage. Elder Bruce C. Hafen quotes, “Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away.” That is not a way for marriage. In a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work through things that might be hard. Marriage is a give and take relationship. Most of the time, we give to each other.

Elder Hafen mentions what “Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the ‘hireling,’ who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling ‘seeth the wolf coming,’ he ‘leaveth the sheep, and fleeth…. because he…careth not for the sheep.” This not the way the Savior acted. The Savior was the good shepherd who watched over his sheep and would have given his life for his sheep. Many people that marry today, are like the hireling. When something goes wrong, they leave.

Covenant marriage requires a total commitment. “Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves. The first wolf is natural adversity.” (Elder Hafen, 1996) I have an example of this. I longed for another child and Heavenly Father did give us another child. He was born with Downs Syndrome, which is not what we expected, but he has been such a joy to our family. Some people told me, “You don’t want a child like that, abort it.” I did not, I felt my child deserved a right to life, as much as anyone else.

“Second, the wolf of their own imperfections will test them.” (Hafen, 1996) In this, an example is given of a husband who constantly riduled his wife. Compared this to a husband that constantly built up his wife. The wife’s self-esteem soared because of her husband.

“The third wolf is the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes.” (Hafen, 1996) In this example, a little girl came crying home and wanted to know if her Mother was really, her mother? Her teacher at school told the children that “nobody belongs to anybody.” This teacher and so many others, today, feel the bonds of “kinship and marriage are not valuable ties that bind, but are, instead, sheer bondage. Ours is the age of waning of belonging.” (Hafen, 1996)

We, as people today, need to reestablish the awareness of marriage as a covenant. So, when the wolves come, we will be prepared and “be as the shepherds, not hirelings, willing to lay down our lives, a day at a time, for the sheep of our covenant.” (Hafen, 1996) Then, we will continue to have joy in our marriages.

Hafen, Bruce G., (1996). Proceedings from General Conference. October '96: Covenant Marriage.

Marriage as defined by God

Cathy Ruse, Esq: Senior Counsel, Family Research Council, made these comments, “No man can be a mother, just as I could never be a father, and children need both. I know, as a mother, that my children need what I can give them: as a woman, as their mother, and that no man can do my job. I’m not replaceable by a man. No man can do this job.” (Ruse, Cathy 2015). Isn’t this the truth. A woman’s role is different than a man’s role in marriage. Then, from Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse founder and president of the Ruth Institute, which is a project of the National Organization for Marriage, says: “Mountains of data show that children do need their mothers and fathers, and that children care deeply about biological connections. The gay community is certainly not responsible for today's generation of fatherless children, but they will be responsible for the next generation. And don’t remind me that we already have lots of children unattached to their parents; in my view, we should be taking steps to place responsible limits on things like divorce, rather than careening headlong into further, and more institutionalized, injustices to children. Are you really prepared to accept responsibility for the consequences of detaching legal parenthood form the natural moorings of biology? Do you really want a world in which children may have three or four legal parents? Are you ready for contract parenting, in which adults parcel out responsibilities among themselves? That’s the world that we are bringing into being here.” Lots of other people recognized the importance of marriage, like God intended it to be. William E. Simon fellow at the Heritage Foundation says: “Marriage exists to unite a man and woman as a husband and wife to then be equipped to be mother and father to any children that union produces. It is based on biological fact that men and women are distinct and complementary. It’s based on the anthropological truth that reproduction requires a man and a woman. It is based on the social reality that children deserve a mother and a father. Whenever a child is born, a mother will always be close by. That is a fact of biology. The question for culture and the question for law is will a father be close by, and if so, for how long? Marriage is the institution that different cultures and societies across time and place develop to maximize the likelihood that that man commits to that woman and then the two of the take the responsibility to raise that child.” (Simon, 2014)  Justice Alito said, “If this traditional understanding of the purpose of marriage does not ring true to all ears today, that is probably because the tie between marriage and procreation has frayed.” ( consequences." In President Nelson’s talk, I loved what he said here, “Now is the time for you to focus on developing great attributes of character. Now seems to be my time for attending funerals. I have witnessed many families saying good-bye, for a season, to those they love and to whom they are sealed. I often leave funerals wondering, “What would I like to have said about me at my funeral? It is not too early in your life to ask the same question. What would you like to have said about you at your funeral? Hopefully that you were a good husband and father or a good wife and mother. That you were a person of integrity. That you were kind and patient. Or humble and hardworking. Or a person of virtue. The greatest guardians of all virtues are marriage and family. This is particularly the case with the virtues of chastity and fidelity in marriage, both of which are required to create enduring and fully rewarding marriage partnerships and family relationships. Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.” (Nelson, 2014) https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/russell-m-nelson_disciples-jesus-christ-defenders-of-marriage/ https://content.byui.edu/file/781f71cf-40c1-4f71-87ec-a1b6ec69ae48/1/Transcript_%20Cathy%20Ruse%20remarks%2C%20World%20Congress%20of%20Families%20IX.html https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf

Marriage and Divorce

 Elder Oaks said about a good marriage, “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” None of us are perfect. We have everyday to begin over again, if we have offended one another. Elder Oaks said this, that I liked, too. “Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may be considering divorce. I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce. Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts. Think first of the children.”
“Each married couple should work together to be worthy of the blessings of eternal marriage. If you are married and you and your spouse are experiencing difficulties, remember that the remedy for most marriage stress is not in divorce or separation. The remedy is found in the gospel of Jesus Christ—in repentance, forgiveness, integrity, and love. It is found in treating your spouse as you would like to be treated (see Matthew 7:12). As you work to resolve difficulties, you may want to go together to seek counsel from your bishop or branch president.”  
When Elder Oaks said that we need to repent, I feel that is true. His suggestion is one that may be hard to do, but so worthwhile. “Don’t treasure up past wrongs, reprocessing them again and again. In a marriage relationship, festering is destructive; forgiving is divine (see D&C 64:9–10). Plead for the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord to forgive wrongs (as President Faust has just taught us so beautifully), to overcome faults, and to strengthen relationships.”
I have never thought about divorcing my husband, but we have had conflicts which have been hurtful to me. But, when we have kneeled together and pleaded for forgiveness of each other, I have felt the healing power of the Atonement, comforting us. I know it has brought us closer to each other and to the Lord.