What We Bring With Us When We Marry

When we marry, we carry baggage with us.

We bring our attitudes toward life and our expectation and values. We believe that all good things will happen if we are true and faithful to our spouse. Sometimes, we can think that life will be good, and we will live happily ever after. It doesn’t go like that. We come from different backgrounds. I know this was the way with my husband and me. He was from the East and was a convert to the church. He was raised in a very strict environment. I am from the West and have generations of family members, all members of the church. “Two people who go through life's ups and downs together grow in ways neither may foresee. Because each partner changes, they do not just celebrate an annual anniversary but rather what could be called a "remarriage." Two people celebrating a fiftieth wedding anniversary, for example, are not the same two people who married at age eighteen. A pioneer woman who built sod huts, plowed fields, bore and buried children, fought off Indians, dug wells during droughts, and twice nursed her husband back to health would not be the same debutante her husband first met in a quaint St. Louis sitting room. Having been through such adversity together, however, they would most likely end up loving each other in a deeper, more personal way than when they first met. She would have changed, he would have changed, and their love would have changed. And with each change they would recommit—redeclare—their desire to be married to each other (Poduska, 2000). I had an experience with this. I was showing a woman in my branch a picture of me with my three boys when they were 4, 3, and 1. She said to me when she looked at my picture, “Wow, you don’t look anything like you do now!” Well, that was 40 years ago. I have raised 5 children and one of them was a special needs child. I have had good and bad times. I have worked all my life. I didn’t think that I would do that when I got married. My mother never worked. Life changes and as you get older and sometimes, you don’t even realize it.

Another change when couples get married is creating marital identity. "’Parents give their children two things: roots to grow, and wings to fly.’ “The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up. One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside an invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence—not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law” (Poduska, 2000). “Elder Marvin J. Ashton, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, clarified the meaning of this scripture as it relates to newly married couples: Certainly, a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength …. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.” There are many changes in life and one of those are money. Each stage of life has a different set of financial obligations. Right now, my husband and I are in the retired stage. We have raised all our children and all of them are gone, except for our Downs Syndrome son. Our home and car are all paid for and we are adjusting to a lifestyle of a lower income, but we are having fun visiting with our children and grandchildren.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 11) and (accessible PDF) Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.

Who is the Boss?

Richard B. Miller, PhD., who is the Director of the School of Family Life at BYU, spoke about the issues regarding power, control and hierarchy and their importance in families. He listed: Parents are the leaders in the family. "In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the executive committee" and the "board of directors" of a family. Parents are not to be domineering or dictatorial, the they are the leaders." President Spencer W. Kimball said: "Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children." We can still set limits for our children with love and kindness. I know when my children were growing up, we set limits for them. I know that some of their friends' parents did not set limits on them and there was a noticeable notice between them. We lived in a neighborhood where there weren't many overachievers, but the kids that had limits were better students and went on to college. It was expected of them. I was taught that way.

Parents must be united in the leadership. "Parents....should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time...." (President Joseph F. Smith) If parents disagree on something, they should work it out by themselves and not with their children around them. You wouldn't want children to take sides with their parents. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults. "When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes.” I always knew that this was the case, but my parents constantly gave their opinion to everything that me and my husband did. For example, my dad sold some property and gave my husband and I a portion of the money. My husband and I thought as mature adults we could use the money as we wanted. But, no, my dad told us how we should spend the money. Immediately, that caused friction between my husband and my dad. I know my dad meant well, but we told him, we would spend the money like we wanted. The advice that President Spencer W. Kimball gives is priceless. He said: “Your married life should be independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions.” (Ensign, March 1977, pp.4-5) Another quote from President Kimball that is priceless is: “Live your own life.” (Marriage, p. 17) The hardest thing was when me and my husband moved to Pennsylvania. Now, we could make our own decisions and not have my parents butting in. I know they were well-meaning, but it was hard. As for my in-laws, they never gave us advice, unless we asked for it. If we decided to do something and it turned out to be a bad decision, we had to live with the consequences. That reminds me of my children, when they were young. We let them make their own decisions and if they chose wrong things, they lived with the consequences.

The marital relationship should be a partnership. Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between husband and wife. There should be joint sharing in decision making, money matters, etc. Husbands and wives should walk side by side with each other. The husband holds the priesthood in the home and the wife is a partner in the leadership of the home. President Gordon B. Hinckley tells us: "Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have (Hinckley, Ensign, August 1992, p.6) What is the power relationship in your marriage? Brother Miller was involved in a research project in the School of Family Life at BYU where they studied the interactions of 500 families in Seattle, Washington and 200 families in Utah Valley. A questionnaire was given on how power is distributed in marital relationships. It was called Flourishing Families. Here are some of the questions. I fared pretty well. How much will you agree with the statements: 1. My partner tends to discount my opinion. 2. My partner does not listen to me. 3. When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuses to talk with me about it. 4. My partner tends to dominate the conversation. 5. When we do not agree on an issue, my partner gives me the cold shoulder. 6. I feel free to express my opinion about issues in our relationship. 7. My partner makes decisions that affect our family without talking to me first. Miller, Richard B. PhD., "Who is the boss? Power relationships in Families." Address given at the BYU Conference on Family Life, March 28, 2008. Kimball, Spencer W. Ensign, March 1977, pp.4-5

Fidelity and Physica Intimacy

This week's lesson was a touchy subject in my marriage and family class. We talked about fidelity and physical intimacy. After God commanded Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiple and replenish the earth (Genesis 1:28), he commanded them to become one flesh (Genesis 2:24).Not only were they to procreate, they were to bond together emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Physical intimacy is something that we should not express outside of our marriage bond. Goddard, in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," says, "Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship. The amazing message from our marriage partners is: I'm trusting you with my life, my body, my hopes, my dreams. Please be kind and gentle. Each of us should rejoice in the sacred gift of spousal trust. If we have squandered any part of it, we should work to requalify for it." (Goddard, 95)

Infidelity is a subtle process. Sometimes, we think if we are married in the temple, our marriage will take care of itself. Just because a couple is married in the temple doesn't guaranteed that the marriage will be perfect. We all have good intentions, but we need to maintain loyalty and fidelity with one person and that is our spouse. A wonderful example of not giving in to infidelity was Joseph of the Old Testament. He was tempted by Potiphar's wife. "Potiphar's wife was alluring and powerful. Yet, he resisted without hesitation. What an example!" (Goddard, 87)  There are situations in work and in church assignments that cause men and women to be together. I had an incidence when I went to the temple with a neighbor of mine. He picked me up and the whole time, as I was riding in his car, to and from the temple, I felt awkward. Nothing happened, but I did not feel right. From the book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, we read: " Today Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect mans. He gets us inappropriately clos to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of missionary work, friendship, or helpfulness. Perhaps this is Satan's favorite ploy with those who desire goodness and are filled with compassion." (Goddard, 89-90) Another way is through social media. I wanted to reconnect with former boyfriends from high school and see what they were doing, so I friended them and they accepted my request. After reading this week's lesson, I immediately went back and unfriended them.

President Howard W. Hunter said: "Tenderness and respect--never selfishness must be guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other's needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord." (Ensign, Nov. 1994, 51)

References:

Goddard, H. Wallace, PhD. Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. (2009)

Hunter, Howard W. Being a righteous husband and father. Ensign, November 1994.

Forgiveness in Marriage

This week in my marriage class, we talked about forgiveness. It is easy to become angry for one reason or another, but to forgive is sometimes hard, too. Elder James E. Faust said: “If we can find forgiveness in our heart for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.” I believe that to be true. One time many years ago, I was offended by a member in our ward and I harbored those feelings for ten years. Finally, one day, I decided that I would confront the person that I was angry at and guess what? This person didn’t even remember what was said, all those years ago. I was the one that was suffering. I told this person how I had been harboring feelings for her for a lot of years. She apologized, and I accepted her apology. After this incident, I felt like a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Husbands and wives need to respect each other when conflict arises. Too often couples will try to persuade the other to their way of thinking just to settle the disagreement. What I have found in my marriage is to listen to my husband’s point of view and then, let him hear mine. I used to go along with what he was saying so there wouldn’t be any arguments. But, I learned I need to let him know how I am feeling, too. “In happy marriages, couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. In unhappy ones, even the most eloquent repair attempt can fall on deaf ears.” (Gottman, p. 174) “In an intimate loving relationship, it just doesn’t work for either spouse to get things their own way, even if you are convinced that you are right.” (Gottman, p.184)

“Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. “We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?” (“The New Obscenity,” Reader’s Digest, Dec. 1988, 24)

We need to follow the Savior’s example and establish love and peace in our marriages. We must make sacrifices for each other, giving our all. I have a great example and that was my own parents. Yes, they had their conflicts, but my dad always apologized when he upset my mother and vice versa. They were married for 65 years when my dad passed away. My mother’s heart was broken, and she couldn’t live without him. She passed away two years after he did. As I have reflected on their marriage, I know my marriage isn’t like that. I need to find more positives in my married life. “Happy marriage partners throw open the doors of the storehouse and give kindness, help, and goodness.” (Goddard, p.107) I am aiming for this.

Overcoming Gridlock in Marriage

I focused on gridlock and how this class has helped me learn how to overcome gridlock in relationships. In the reading from Gottman he says, “You’ll know you’ve reached a gridlock if: 1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out---giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.’ (Gottman, 236-237)

 Gridlock happens in every relationship at least once. No two people are going to agree on the same thing every day that just doesn’t happen. Relationships take work and sacrifice. When gridlock happens the best you can do is try to remain calm when you’re in the heat of a moment.

I remember a time when I was sick and tired of picking up after my husband and I told him so. He snapped right back at me and said, “You are worse than I am.” So instead of talking about it, we just ignored one another. After a while, I asked him if we could talk about our situation and change our attitudes and think of ways we could help each other.

Some ways to unlock the gridlock in your marriage are:  “Become a dream detector.

                                                   Work on gridlocked marital issues.

                                                    Soothe each other.

                                                    End the gridlock.

“Be patient with the process and each other. By their very nature, these problems are tenacious. To loosen their grip on your marriage will take commitment and faith on both your parts.” (Gotman, 259)

“John Gottman has made interesting discoveries about that 20% that we don’t like. He as discovered that approximately 70% of what we don’t like will never change. We can feel mad about this. We can feel cheated. But heaven seems to have constructed that percentage and it is not likely to change. The only way to get partners to change that 30% is by enjoying them the way they are!”  (Goddard, 126-27)  We need to look for the good in our spouses and appreciate it. We can love them with all of our hearts and  “on that holy day our knees will humbly bow and our tongues gladly confess that Jesus is the Christ---the one who save our souls, changes our hearts, and rescues our relationships.” (Goddard, 149)

This book helped me a lot as I focused my relationships more on the gospel. This book taught so many great principles and I have noticed and increase in my relationships. You can apply these principles to any relationship family, spouse, friends anyone.

References

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap.

Gottman, J.M., Silver N. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Marriage and Forgiveness

This week in my marriage class, we talked about forgiveness. It is easy to become angry for one reason or another, but to forgive is sometimes hard, too. Elder James E. Faust said: “If we can find forgiveness in our heart for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.” I believe that to be true. One time many years ago, I was offended by a member in our ward and I harbored those feelings for ten years. Finally, one day, I decided that I would confront the person that I was angry at and guess what? This person didn’t even remember what was said, all those years ago. I was the one that was suffering. I told this person how I had been harboring feelings for her for a lot of years. She apologized, and I accepted her apology. After this incident, I felt like a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Husbands and wives need to respect each other when conflict arises. Too often couples will try to persuade the other to their way of thinking just to settle the disagreement. What I have found in my marriage is to listen to my husband’s point of view and then, let him hear mine. I used to go along with what he was saying so there wouldn’t be any arguments. But, I learned I need to let him know how I am feeling, too. “In happy marriages, couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. In unhappy ones, even the most eloquent repair attempt can fall on deaf ears.” (Gottman, p. 174) “In an intimate loving relationship, it just doesn’t work for either spouse to get things their own way, even if you are convinced that you are right.” (Gottman, p.184)

“Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. “We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?” (“The New Obscenity,” Reader’s Digest, Dec. 1988, 24)

We need to follow the Savior’s example and establish love and peace in our marriages. We must make sacrifices for each other, giving our all. I have a great example and that was my own parents. Yes, they had their conflicts, but my dad always apologized when he upset my mother and vice versa. They were married for 65 years when my dad passed away. My mother’s heart was broken, and she couldn’t live without him. She passed away two years after he did. As I have reflected on their marriage, I know my marriage isn’t like that. I need to find more positives in my married life. “Happy marriage partners throw open the doors of the storehouse and give kindness, help, and goodness.” (Goddard, p.107) I am aiming for this.

Goddard, H. Wallace, PhD (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.

Gottman, John M., PhD (1999). the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Faust, James E., (2012). Finding Peace Through Forgiveness. Ensign, June 2012.

Appreciating Our Spouses

Appreciating our spouses in our marriages is more powerful than correcting them. “Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel. Criticism is a slow leak in those tires” (Goddard, 2009). As a husband honors his wife, her opinions and feelings, he will be able to earn a place in the driver’s seat of his marriage. It takes two to make or break a marriage. Both wives and husbands need to treat each other with honor and respect. “Today’s culture teaches a very different lesson from traditional wisdom: We now hear it is noble and worthy to focus on our own needs. It is our first obligation” (Goddard, 2009). This has to do with pride. Pride lets us think that “we honestly believe that we understand our partners/spouses and what makes them tick. We presume to understand their thoughts, motives, and intent better than even they themselves do” (Goddard, 2009). “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. (Benson, 1989) Pride is a sin and it is universal. The way to give up our self-sufficiency is to turn ourselves to God and repent. Marriages may become unbearable to the point that couples may want to leave, but as we repent, we can repair. “Any time we become irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. Irritation can be our friend. It alerts us to the risk of blisters when we sense a pebble in our shoes. In marriage, irritation serves the vital function of alerting us that something we are doing (or feeling or saying) is creating a sore.” (Goddard, 2009)

John M. Gottman says, “men who allow their wives to influence them have happier relationships and are less likely to divorce. When a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” If negativity becomes a part of the relationship, the pebbles that are in our shoes, causing blisters, will begin to bleed. We do not have to let the irritations accumulate and form ruthless gangs that will savage our love for each other.”

Benson, Ezra T., Beware of Pride, Ensign May 1989.

Goddard, H. Wallace, PhD., Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. 2009

Gottman, John M., PhD., the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. 1999.