Forgiveness in Marriage

This week in my marriage class, we talked about forgiveness. It is easy to become angry for one reason or another, but to forgive is sometimes hard, too. Elder James E. Faust said: “If we can find forgiveness in our heart for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.” I believe that to be true. One time many years ago, I was offended by a member in our ward and I harbored those feelings for ten years. Finally, one day, I decided that I would confront the person that I was angry at and guess what? This person didn’t even remember what was said, all those years ago. I was the one that was suffering. I told this person how I had been harboring feelings for her for a lot of years. She apologized, and I accepted her apology. After this incident, I felt like a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Husbands and wives need to respect each other when conflict arises. Too often couples will try to persuade the other to their way of thinking just to settle the disagreement. What I have found in my marriage is to listen to my husband’s point of view and then, let him hear mine. I used to go along with what he was saying so there wouldn’t be any arguments. But, I learned I need to let him know how I am feeling, too. “In happy marriages, couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. In unhappy ones, even the most eloquent repair attempt can fall on deaf ears.” (Gottman, p. 174) “In an intimate loving relationship, it just doesn’t work for either spouse to get things their own way, even if you are convinced that you are right.” (Gottman, p.184)

“Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. “We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?” (“The New Obscenity,” Reader’s Digest, Dec. 1988, 24)

We need to follow the Savior’s example and establish love and peace in our marriages. We must make sacrifices for each other, giving our all. I have a great example and that was my own parents. Yes, they had their conflicts, but my dad always apologized when he upset my mother and vice versa. They were married for 65 years when my dad passed away. My mother’s heart was broken, and she couldn’t live without him. She passed away two years after he did. As I have reflected on their marriage, I know my marriage isn’t like that. I need to find more positives in my married life. “Happy marriage partners throw open the doors of the storehouse and give kindness, help, and goodness.” (Goddard, p.107) I am aiming for this.