Who is the Boss?

Richard B. Miller, PhD., who is the Director of the School of Family Life at BYU, spoke about the issues regarding power, control and hierarchy and their importance in families. He listed: Parents are the leaders in the family. "In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the executive committee" and the "board of directors" of a family. Parents are not to be domineering or dictatorial, the they are the leaders." President Spencer W. Kimball said: "Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children." We can still set limits for our children with love and kindness. I know when my children were growing up, we set limits for them. I know that some of their friends' parents did not set limits on them and there was a noticeable notice between them. We lived in a neighborhood where there weren't many overachievers, but the kids that had limits were better students and went on to college. It was expected of them. I was taught that way.

Parents must be united in the leadership. "Parents....should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time...." (President Joseph F. Smith) If parents disagree on something, they should work it out by themselves and not with their children around them. You wouldn't want children to take sides with their parents. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults. "When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes.” I always knew that this was the case, but my parents constantly gave their opinion to everything that me and my husband did. For example, my dad sold some property and gave my husband and I a portion of the money. My husband and I thought as mature adults we could use the money as we wanted. But, no, my dad told us how we should spend the money. Immediately, that caused friction between my husband and my dad. I know my dad meant well, but we told him, we would spend the money like we wanted. The advice that President Spencer W. Kimball gives is priceless. He said: “Your married life should be independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions.” (Ensign, March 1977, pp.4-5) Another quote from President Kimball that is priceless is: “Live your own life.” (Marriage, p. 17) The hardest thing was when me and my husband moved to Pennsylvania. Now, we could make our own decisions and not have my parents butting in. I know they were well-meaning, but it was hard. As for my in-laws, they never gave us advice, unless we asked for it. If we decided to do something and it turned out to be a bad decision, we had to live with the consequences. That reminds me of my children, when they were young. We let them make their own decisions and if they chose wrong things, they lived with the consequences.

The marital relationship should be a partnership. Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between husband and wife. There should be joint sharing in decision making, money matters, etc. Husbands and wives should walk side by side with each other. The husband holds the priesthood in the home and the wife is a partner in the leadership of the home. President Gordon B. Hinckley tells us: "Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have (Hinckley, Ensign, August 1992, p.6) What is the power relationship in your marriage? Brother Miller was involved in a research project in the School of Family Life at BYU where they studied the interactions of 500 families in Seattle, Washington and 200 families in Utah Valley. A questionnaire was given on how power is distributed in marital relationships. It was called Flourishing Families. Here are some of the questions. I fared pretty well. How much will you agree with the statements: 1. My partner tends to discount my opinion. 2. My partner does not listen to me. 3. When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuses to talk with me about it. 4. My partner tends to dominate the conversation. 5. When we do not agree on an issue, my partner gives me the cold shoulder. 6. I feel free to express my opinion about issues in our relationship. 7. My partner makes decisions that affect our family without talking to me first. Miller, Richard B. PhD., "Who is the boss? Power relationships in Families." Address given at the BYU Conference on Family Life, March 28, 2008. Kimball, Spencer W. Ensign, March 1977, pp.4-5