Turning Toward Your Spouse/Partner

Turning to your spouse/partner is called connecting. Couples that do this are connecting to one another. Hollywood has distorted our view of romance as to be a fiery romance, but in real life, romance is fueled by more than what the movie screen portrays. Marriage is kept alive through the everyday challenges that we all have. “In marriage, couples are always making what Gottman, a marriage therapist, calls, “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill.” (Gottman, 1999) I have experienced this kind of “bid” in my own life. My aged mother had fallen and had to be hospitalized. My husband told me, “Do what you need to do to take care of your father. We can rearrange our budget, so you can fly out and take care of your dad. I can manage the house, keep the dishes washed, do the laundry, vacuum occasionally, and dust. You won't need to worry about John. I will take care of him, packing his lunches, make sure he showers, shaves and I will make sure he wears his c-pap mask, every night. My father was in the early stages of dementia and my mother was his caregiver. He could not be alone. I had to fly out to Utah from Pennsylvania to be with my father until my mother was able to come home. This bid proved to be an emotional connection and trust to my husband. “A virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish. It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another.” (Gottman, 1999) But there are challenges that can interfere with partners’ turning toward each other and one of those is being distracted by the wired world. For someone that is constantly checking their emails, Facebook page and texting on their iPhone can lead to an addiction. We had better watch out, so our devices don’t interfere with a marital conflict. “Instead of leaving the room or changing the subject when a delicate situation arises, he or she may just shift attention when a marital situation arises and go get on the internet (Gottman, 1999)

When we have an eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different. Satan wants us to believe that we cannot turn towards each other. He wants us to judge each other negatively to rude out marriages. Instead of judging our husband/wife, we will invite Jesus Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness” (Goddard, 2009). We can receive greater closeness to each other through peacefulness, when we offer “persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned” (D&C 121:41)

Gottman, John M., Ph.D, (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D, (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.